Severe anxiety kicking in and the more I think about it, the worse it gets. I'm not exactly sure if this is the start of a panic attack or if it's plain old anxiety. Either way it sucks. Earlier I started contemplating the idea that I may have an obsession with food, or a food addiction. Then I started thinking maybe it's that I have a fear of being hungry. Not so much a fear of not having any food but that I dislike the feeling of being hungry so much that I get anxious if I think I might not get food before I become hungry. Sounds kind of bizarre, right?

So to get these thoughts from taking over my mind I've got to spell it all out ...

1 - I believe it's been since I started the ADHD meds that being hungry is a horrible feeling. It makes me feel almost physically ill if I start to get hungry, and continues until I actually eat something filling. Snacks, fruit, water, these types of things will not make me feel better at that point. I need a real meal or something with substance. Otherwise the feeling just keeps getting worse.

2 - Every day at work I dread the thought of eating lunch because absolutely nothing sounds good. Once in awhile I'll take some good leftovers and I actually enjoy eating them, however, we rarely have much if any leftovers that I find edible when reheated so this doesn't happen often. I've stopped buying the frozen meals as I'm sick of eating the same ones over and over again and the thought of eating them makes my face crinkle at this point. And so the daily routine has become, go to the cafeteria between 1-1:30 before it closes, and determine the least worst thing to eat that day. I take the food back to my desk, then nibble and/or choke it down over the next 1-2 hours, usually without finishing it.

Rarely does the food actually taste good to me. Oh, and did I mention I'm an extremely picky eater? Always have been. This puts added pressure on finding something I like that I'm not sick of eating yet.

3 - Besides ADHD meds I'm also taking anti-anxiety meds. Apparently they are not working. I was previously taking Paxil, but since I got married my doctor made me switch to Celexa. I guess suddenly I have to worry about getting pregnant since I'm married, although the chances really haven't changed any from what they were before I was married. Oh well, this means that I'll have to go to my doc and tell her these drugs are not working for me and maybe I'm getting worse?

What does all this mean? Has this become a vicious cycle that is just making itself worse? Do I dread lunchtime because I feel like I'm forced to eat or at least choose something to eat at that time (before the cafe closes/before I get hungry?) Am I anxious because I hate that feeling of being hungry, or am I anxious because I know I've got to make a decision that I don't want to make? Maybe both. Could it be that anxiety breeds more anxiety so add on the daily stress and it just progressively gets worse?

All I know is I hate this feeling, I want my Paxil back. It's been several months and this Celexa is not working. I'm afraid that I'll be forced to switch to something else and things will get worse until we find the right one. We shall see.

Anxiety sucks.

As much as I'd like to blame this building (work) for my daily sleepiness, it may be time to admit that some major life changes need to be made.

#1 - Eating better. I suppose this needs to be defined a bit more in order to follow implement it so how about Eat Fruit. Let's start with one serving of fruit every day. This is pretty big since I really don't like fruit all that much, I'm very picky, and I absolutely dread the thought of eating fruit at any given time. But I think I can handle eating one piece/serving per day. I know I feel better when I do this so let's try making it a habit.

#2 - Exercise. Again, needs defined so let's say 15 minutes of aerobic exercise every day. One would think this shouldn't be all that difficult, but I am lacking motivation most of the time. I have this or that to do first, and then once I sit my lazy butt on the couch it's over. I would rather do anything than get up and move. I do have 3 dogs that need to get out and walk though, and it would be nice for them if I actually followed through once in awhile.

I better stop before I overwhelm myself. We'll see how it goes.

Back at work today after a full 6 days off (4 days plus weekend). The fact that I absolutely dreaded the thought of coming back here for 2 entire days is making me think that maybe I should be doing something else with my life. It's okay though, in a couple of days I'll be back to normal, still not entirely excited about coming into work, but not hating it as much as I do at this moment.

So how exactly does one determine what they should really be doing with their life? I would love to have a job that I love! What does that look like? My favorite people in the world are those that so obviously love what they do. The smiles on their faces, the look in their eyse, the glow that they have, it just makes me hate them. Kidding! It makes me envy them. Why can't I have that? How do I get that? Where do I start to even look for that?

One day I WILL have that! Must think positively!