I'd rather be working out ...

At least it's not as bad as public speaking. Not that I have an opportunity to speak in public right at this moment. It's technically not even a real argument. I'm just looking for some motivation to walk into this place and work out. My class starts in 21 minutes. I mean, really, it's an instructor led class. It's not like I need to wing it. If I did I probably wouldn't be here. No, I definitely wouldn't be here. I'm sitting outside in my car attempting to find an excuse not to go in.

Okay, okay here goes ... Maybe ...

Severe anxiety kicking in and the more I think about it, the worse it gets. I'm not exactly sure if this is the start of a panic attack or if it's plain old anxiety. Either way it sucks. Earlier I started contemplating the idea that I may have an obsession with food, or a food addiction. Then I started thinking maybe it's that I have a fear of being hungry. Not so much a fear of not having any food but that I dislike the feeling of being hungry so much that I get anxious if I think I might not get food before I become hungry. Sounds kind of bizarre, right?

So to get these thoughts from taking over my mind I've got to spell it all out ...

1 - I believe it's been since I started the ADHD meds that being hungry is a horrible feeling. It makes me feel almost physically ill if I start to get hungry, and continues until I actually eat something filling. Snacks, fruit, water, these types of things will not make me feel better at that point. I need a real meal or something with substance. Otherwise the feeling just keeps getting worse.

2 - Every day at work I dread the thought of eating lunch because absolutely nothing sounds good. Once in awhile I'll take some good leftovers and I actually enjoy eating them, however, we rarely have much if any leftovers that I find edible when reheated so this doesn't happen often. I've stopped buying the frozen meals as I'm sick of eating the same ones over and over again and the thought of eating them makes my face crinkle at this point. And so the daily routine has become, go to the cafeteria between 1-1:30 before it closes, and determine the least worst thing to eat that day. I take the food back to my desk, then nibble and/or choke it down over the next 1-2 hours, usually without finishing it.

Rarely does the food actually taste good to me. Oh, and did I mention I'm an extremely picky eater? Always have been. This puts added pressure on finding something I like that I'm not sick of eating yet.

3 - Besides ADHD meds I'm also taking anti-anxiety meds. Apparently they are not working. I was previously taking Paxil, but since I got married my doctor made me switch to Celexa. I guess suddenly I have to worry about getting pregnant since I'm married, although the chances really haven't changed any from what they were before I was married. Oh well, this means that I'll have to go to my doc and tell her these drugs are not working for me and maybe I'm getting worse?

What does all this mean? Has this become a vicious cycle that is just making itself worse? Do I dread lunchtime because I feel like I'm forced to eat or at least choose something to eat at that time (before the cafe closes/before I get hungry?) Am I anxious because I hate that feeling of being hungry, or am I anxious because I know I've got to make a decision that I don't want to make? Maybe both. Could it be that anxiety breeds more anxiety so add on the daily stress and it just progressively gets worse?

All I know is I hate this feeling, I want my Paxil back. It's been several months and this Celexa is not working. I'm afraid that I'll be forced to switch to something else and things will get worse until we find the right one. We shall see.

Anxiety sucks.

As much as I'd like to blame this building (work) for my daily sleepiness, it may be time to admit that some major life changes need to be made.

#1 - Eating better. I suppose this needs to be defined a bit more in order to follow implement it so how about Eat Fruit. Let's start with one serving of fruit every day. This is pretty big since I really don't like fruit all that much, I'm very picky, and I absolutely dread the thought of eating fruit at any given time. But I think I can handle eating one piece/serving per day. I know I feel better when I do this so let's try making it a habit.

#2 - Exercise. Again, needs defined so let's say 15 minutes of aerobic exercise every day. One would think this shouldn't be all that difficult, but I am lacking motivation most of the time. I have this or that to do first, and then once I sit my lazy butt on the couch it's over. I would rather do anything than get up and move. I do have 3 dogs that need to get out and walk though, and it would be nice for them if I actually followed through once in awhile.

I better stop before I overwhelm myself. We'll see how it goes.

Back at work today after a full 6 days off (4 days plus weekend). The fact that I absolutely dreaded the thought of coming back here for 2 entire days is making me think that maybe I should be doing something else with my life. It's okay though, in a couple of days I'll be back to normal, still not entirely excited about coming into work, but not hating it as much as I do at this moment.

So how exactly does one determine what they should really be doing with their life? I would love to have a job that I love! What does that look like? My favorite people in the world are those that so obviously love what they do. The smiles on their faces, the look in their eyse, the glow that they have, it just makes me hate them. Kidding! It makes me envy them. Why can't I have that? How do I get that? Where do I start to even look for that?

One day I WILL have that! Must think positively!

meeting of the minds

So tomorrow is the meeting of the minds. In other words, the meeting between parents, teachers, student, principal and apparently special education teacher. Should be awesome. Unfortunately, nothing ever seems to get accomplished at these 7:20 am meetings, since the teachers need to leave at 7:45 to go to their class. What we basically get accomplished is, the teachers tell us all the things T3 is doing wrong and then they leave us to figure things out with the counselor. As you can imagine that works out just wonderfully. Quite obvious by the fact that this will be our 4th or so meeting in the past 4-5 months. I'm getting the impression that the counselor doesn't do a very good job of passing the information on to the teachers once the meeting is over. The idea of "let's try this ..." would likely be most useful to the people who actually deal with the child on a daily basis, not the guy who deals with the child when the teachers get fed up with him and send him to the office. Oh it shall be a lovely start to the day tomorrow. Especially when T1 goes off on everyone and tells them to stop the b.s. of suspending T3 for stupid little crap. Seriously, I was on their side at the beginning, but they are becoming ridiculous. I mean, really?!? You are going to suspend a child for not turning back around in his chair. Am I missing part of the story? I better be, or I will lose my mind with them tomorrow.

But, my real question is, where on earth do I find information about helping an ADHD child, when both dad and step-mom are also ADHD? How can we help a child do the things that we cannot do ourselves? I can't organize myself so how do I help him? I can't stay on track or stay focused, so how do I help him? I can't establish my own routine so how do I help him? I can't even get to work or anywhere else on time, so how do I teach him the importance of being on time? This is an ongoing struggle which I wish someone could help me understand how to deal with. I read lots of things to try and help myself as an ADHD adult as well. It's just so overwhelming, I'm not sure where to start and how to keep up.

Well an early morning is approaching quickly ...

manic mode

Second straight day of manic mode after work. When I'm at work I'm completely unfocused, tired, or just want to do nothing. By the time I get home, I'm exhausted and starving. Then I eat and suddenly I'm non-stop organizing. Yesterday it was the coupon binder (I finally got caught up!!). Today it's T3's school papers, vet reminders/receipts, and those annoying instruction manuals for everything we own. I guess I started with these things because either there are lots of them or they are important to keep organized, or mostly because they were the main things in the first pile of papers I decided to weed through. I actually feel like I accomplished something for once!! But it makes me want to keep going, even though I'm so tired I should be asleep already. Tomorrow I will pay for it again when I'm at work, unable to focus. But I'm sure tomorrow night I will be at it again, unless I either get sick, get a migraine, or just plain crash.

We had a fairly good night with T3, minus a few talk-back moments. We are, however, at a point of severe frustration with his teacher and his school. They've absolutely got a target on him now and are watching every little move he makes to "prove" to us what a bad kid he is. Today the most problematic teacher sent another email about what he did wrong. It was so miniscule I had to wonder if it was even worth making a big deal out of it. I mean really, the kid has ADHD and behavior issues, and you want to get upset with him because he is working on Social Studies in your Language Arts class? Could you possibly pick your battles and focus on the bigger issues? How is that you expect him to change everything all at once? The woman drives me insane!! I used to be on her side, but at this point she is out of control. I'm sure she's not happy about our asking her to modify her approach to avoid some unnecessary issues. Understood, but that isn't reason to nit-pick just to show everyone that you are right and our approach doesn't work. I'm not buying it because to me it just shows that her approach doesn't work. Maybe now I'm just on the defensive but I'm tired of T3 getting in trouble for every little stupid thing. We've got a meeting set up this Friday a.m. with all of his teachers, the counselor and the dean/principal. Can't wait for the 20 minutes to be spent listening to the teachers tell us everything that we need to fix, before they go off to class. There is no time for discussion when all of the teachers are there. It's a ridiculous way to do things but what can I say? This would be meeting number 4 like this so far since apparently the first three were so successful (really?!?). Venting the frustration does make me feel better though. A little ...

It is lost, and so am I

Okay people, I am losing my mind. Or maybe it's already lost. We cannot find anything, ever!! Except maybe when we aren't looking for it - like 6 months later. I am a bad parent. I don't think there is any other way to put it. T3 (step-son) is supposed to be on ADHD meds but apparently has not been for several weeks. This is because T1 (dad/soon-to-be-hubby) doesn't know what happened to the prescription that we received from the doc way back then. He told me once that he didn't know where it was, but I assumed he found it since I hadn't heard another word about it. I also assumed that he had some of the old prescription left and was taking that up until T1 told me that he couldn't find the new one. Apparently not. I assume I should no longer assume things. So here I am, trying to find this prescription amongst the piles and bins and messes of paper all over the house. I'm not even sure where to look, it is so overwhelming. I knew I should have taken the prescription after the doc appointment instead of letting T1 take it. Shoulda Coulda Woulda as usual.
Not sure where to start, so here I am! The house is a mess, the brain is a mess, it feels impossible. All I want is a clean and organized house, for once! That old saying - a place for everything and everything in it's place. That's what I want, but how does one get there? If you've never in your life been organized, how do you just become organized? My own ADHD meds are not the miracle I was hoping for. Although I now have the desire and motivation to be organized, I do not have the skills. It's just not something I ever learned how to do, and I certainly wasn't born with some innate ability like some lucky people. Oh how I wish wish wish! But poor T3 gets an ADHD step-mom to go along with his ADHD dad and his ADHD self. It is the most wonderfully crazy disorganized household a child could ever hope to grow up in. What fun! Oh dear blog, please help me to release some stress so that my brain might find a little room for some cleaning and organizing ideas.
Ahhhh, relaxed (a little bit).
Night all! T2.